


On the Matter of Traffic Violations

by hanap



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anal Sex, Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley is a size queen, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), He/Him Pronouns For Aziraphale (Good Omens), He/Him Pronouns For Crowley (Good Omens), Human AU, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, Sex in the Bentley (Good Omens), Top Aziraphale (Good Omens), don't drink and drive kids, flirty redhead gets railed by an enforcer in the backseat of his car, i don't know what to tell you, smut lifted straight out of a porn clip, traffic enforcer Aziraphale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:28:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28957185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanap/pseuds/hanap
Summary: “Officer Fell,” Crowley says, and leans forward, enough to give Fell a good view of his décolletage. He tilts his head in the way he knows people find deliciously coquettish, glad that he’d had the foresight to apply some mascara before heading out. “I’m so very sorry about this,” he says, looking up at the officer through his lashes. “It’s late, you know, no cars around… Didn’t notice how fast I was going, that’s all.”[Or: Crowley flirts his way out of a traffic violation.]
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 90
Kudos: 428
Collections: Good Omens Human AUs, Ineffablexxx - Directors Cut, Top Aziraphale Recs





	On the Matter of Traffic Violations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NaroMoreau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaroMoreau/gifts).



> In which I continue the time-honored tradition of writing a fic where a friend's comfort character is thoroughly plowed six ways from Sunday in the backseat of their own car. Happy birthday, Naro! I've made the egregious mistake of letting you read this ahead of time, PLEASE PRETEND YOU DID NOT SEE. 
> 
> To everyone else reading this, I'm not going to pretend this fic is anything other than what it is - Aziraphale and Crowley in a lurid fantasy straight out of a porn film. Don't think about it too hard, just enjoy. (Don't drink and drive, kids.)

A police car siren is wailing close behind the Bentley, blue and red lights nearly blinding in the darkness. Crowley grits his teeth. Not _again._ He contemplates flooring it and speeding away but decides against it. The occasional car chase is fun, but three times in a week is just exhausting.

He brakes far more delicately than he’s used to and pulls over on the side of the road. Takes a moment to check his reflection in the rear-view mirror – a light flick of eyeliner, curls perfectly coiffed, _and_ he’s wearing his favourite shade of red lipstick today. Russian Red, he thinks, pouting at himself in the mirror. So much better than that overrated Ruby Woo that left his lips unattractively chapped that one time. Although on hindsight, that might have been his fault, he completely forgot to moisturise –

He startles when he hears a knock on the glass, and he sighs before rolling down the window obligingly.

“Hey,” Crowley says, peering out the window.

Oh. He’s so _handsome._

There’s just something about uniforms that always makes Crowley’s throat go dry, but this traffic enforcer is gorgeous, all blue eyes and light blond hair, like a bloody cherub. Crowley can already imagine what he’d look like under the ridiculous neon jacket he’s wearing. Steel hidden under a layer of softness. Could probably sweep Crowley off his feet without a second thought. _Whew,_ okay, slow down there, Crowley thinks, blinking away his smitten daze. The angel is talking, and Crowley hasn’t heard a word.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I said, I need to see your driving licence,” he repeats, and his raised eyebrow is making Crowley’s stomach squirm with anticipation.

Crowley fishes through his wallet and pulls out his licence, handing it to the traffic enforcer, who squints to read it by the light of the streetlamp.

“Anthony J. Crowley,” he reads, and the sound of Crowley’s name in that delightful mouth has the heat rising to Crowley’s face.

“That’s right,” he drawls. “And you are?”

“Me?” The enforcer blinks. “I’m, erm. Fell. Aziraphale Fell.”

“Officer Fell,” Crowley says, and leans forward, enough to give Fell a good view of his décolletage. He tilts his head in the way he knows people find deliciously coquettish, glad that he’d had the foresight to apply some mascara before heading out. “I’m so very sorry about this,” he says, looking up at the officer through his lashes. “It’s late, you know, no cars around… Didn’t notice how fast I was going, that’s all.”

“You were certainly going much too fast, Mr. Crowley… or is it Miss?” Fell looks at him uncertainly, but Crowley notices the way his gaze trails down to his red mouth.

This is getting _interesting._

He licks his lips, thrilled at the way Fell can’t seem to tear his gaze away. “Whichever is fine, but just Crowley will do.”

“Alright, Crowley. I’m going to have to give you an evidential breath test.”

“A _what?_ ” That sounds terribly filthy. His cock is already stirring under his skirt. He clenches his legs together, embarrassed by how turned on he is.

“To check your alcohol levels.” The officer pulls out a little notepad and flicks through it. “I’m going to have to ask you a few questions now.”

“Alright,” Crowley says cautiously. Maybe it was a bad idea not to have gone for the car chase option after all.

“Have you, in the last twenty minutes, consumed alcohol?”

“Why?” Crowley asks, immediately suspicious.

“I just need to make sure that at least twenty minutes have elapsed before you can take the test.”

“Oh,” Crowley says, thinking hard. “I have. I took a shot right before I left home. I’d say that was about… eight minutes ago?”

“Ah. Well, then.” Fell taps his pen idly against the corner of his mouth. Crowley licks his lips again, distracted. Oh, he wants to know what that pretty mouth would look like with Russian Red smeared all over it. “We’re going to have to wait a little while, I’m afraid.”

Twelve minutes. Lots of things they could do in twelve minutes. Crowley tugs on the heels he’d kicked off as discreetly as he can. “Do you mind if I step out for a bit? It’s getting a little warm in here.”

“Of course,” Fell says, and even opens the door for Crowley. _Very_ proper, Crowley likes that.

He steps out and leans against his car with his black jacket draped stylishly around his shoulders, shivering a little as the cold night breeze sweeps across his bare legs. “Smoke?”

“Oh, you mustn’t,” Fell demurs. “You’ll have to wait two to five minutes after you smoke to take the test.”

“But I’ve got to wait twelve minutes anyway, so what’s the problem?” Crowley shrugs, and the jacket slips off his shoulder – to his surprise, Fell catches it and draws it back up before it falls to the ground. He sees the way Fell’s eyes are lingering on the bare skin of his collarbones, and before he knows it, he’s caught Fell’s hand, presses it against his chest.

“W-what are you doing?”

Crowley watches Fell’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallows hard, and smirks to himself. “Well, Officer Fell, seeing as we’ve got plenty of time anyway, shouldn’t we find some way to amuse ourselves?”

“Amuse ourselves,” Fell repeats. “Miss… ter – erm, that is, Crowley, I’m on duty. I don’t know what you think is about to happen –”

“What I think is about to happen, Officer Fell,” Crowley interrupts smoothly, “is that you’re going to get that gorgeous hand of yours under my skirt.” He drags Fell’s hand down past his chest to his waist, the sharp jut of his hip, down to the very hem of the dress. “And _then_ you’re going to do whatever you like to me.”

Fell exhales sharply as his fingers brush across the bare skin of Crowley’s thigh. “We mustn’t… Someone will _see_ –”

“Officer Fell, there are no security cameras here, it’s the dead of night and no one else is around,” Crowley purrs, tracing a finger lightly over the hideous neon jacket. “Which, again, is why I was speeding to begin with. If you’re so worried about us being seen, maybe you should take this jacket off for me, hmm?”

Fell’s mouth moves, but he doesn’t make a sound. Crowley smirks and takes his silence as assent, gently pushing the high-visibility jacket off his shoulders and throwing it into the passenger seat of the Bentley.

“That’s better, isn’t it?” Crowley says, smiling at him. “Now, where were we? Oh, yes.”

He takes Fell’s hands and settles them on his waist, pulling him closer. Even by the dim light of the streetlamp he can see the way Fell’s eyes are dark and intent on his face. “Crowley, we really shouldn’t – ”

“Oh, but I _insist,_ officer. What better way to keep me out of trouble than to keep me distracted?”

In that moment, it’s like something in Fell _snaps_ , and he pushes Crowley hard against the car, kissing Crowley hungrily, his hands roaming up and down Crowley’s body. Crowley moans into Fell’s mouth, feeling the evidence of Fell’s desire pressed burning hot against Crowley’s thigh. Fell is demanding, his hands digging into Crowley’s skin so hard that Crowley is certain he’ll find bruises in the morning. His hips jerk up involuntarily, rubbing against the hardness tenting Fell’s trousers – Fell groans, the sound igniting every nerve in Crowley’s body.

“Look at you,” Crowley says smugly. “I knew you wanted me.”

“You’re terribly mouthy for someone who’s possibly committed a violation of the law.”

“Oh, a _violation?_ ” Crowley huffs out a laugh. “I’d very much like one of those right now, if you don’t mind.”

Fell pulls open the door to the backseat and _shoves_ Crowley inside – he collides against the seat, his heart pounding at the look in Fell’s eyes, his chest rising and falling visibly.

“I thought this was intended to make you behave?”

“It is,” Crowley says at once, his breath hitching in his throat. He bites his lip to see the way his skirt has ridden up his thighs – Fell is staring at him with so much heat in his gaze that he almost wants to squirm under the intensity of it. Instead, he takes a deep breath and spreads his legs. “See something you like?”

Fell _growls,_ and in a second, he’s on top of Crowley, pushing him hard into the backseat – Crowley groans, throwing his head back with pleasure when Fell’s hand brushes against the hem of his dress once more, and Fell’s lips are on his, mouthing bruises down the line of his throat. 

“Please,” Crowley gasps, and kicks off his heels, wrapping his legs around Fell’s waist and rolling his hips. They both moan at the friction, and Fell’s hand pulls Crowley’s skirt up past his hips, cupping Crowley’s cock through the expensive lingerie he’s wearing. A cry tears itself from Crowley’s throat, and he pushes Fell off for a moment to wriggle out of his knickers. For a moment, he sees his own cock glistening in the dim light of the streetlamp. “ _Officer Fell,_ ” he says, already halfway to begging.

“What do you want, darling?” Fell breathes. He sinks to his knees in between Crowley’s legs and takes him in hand – Crowley whimpers as thick fingers close around his cock, stroking him slowly.

“Ngk,” he says helplessly. “Fuck me.”

The hand on his cock stills for a moment. “But –”

Crowley’s already reaching into the pocket behind the passenger seat, and triumphantly, he unearths a box of condoms and throws it at Fell, hitting him squarely in the chest. “Get a move on, then,” he says, undulating his hips invitingly.

Fell snorts. “I see you came prepared.”

“Always,” Crowley purrs. He puts two fingers in his mouth, laving them thoroughly with his tongue until they’re slick and wet. He gives himself a couple of quick strokes, gasping at the thought of Fell watching him, moving down past his perineum, circling his entrance before a strong hand catches his wrist.

“No,” Fell says, his voice rough. “Let me.” He leans forward and pushes two of his fingers between Crowley’s lips – Crowley makes a surprised noise, his cock leaking with pleasure as he sucks, delighted at the way Fell is thrusting shallowly into his mouth, making Crowley moan around the pressure on his tongue. The thought of Fell stretching him wide is already making him weak at the knees.

Fell withdraws his fingers from Crowley’s mouth and mimics Crowley’s movements – three careful strokes around Crowley’s cock before moving down past his balls, gently touching his entrance.

“Please.” Crowley inhales sharply as a finger breaches him, pushing into him in short, aborted movements, opening him up. Fell strokes Crowley’s cock gently, easing him through the burn. This is just what he wanted – quick and dirty and just this side of painful, enough that it sharpens the pleasure. “ _More._ ”

An embarrassingly loud noise rips itself from Crowley’s throat when another finger enters him, Fell stretching him so carefully at first that he’s bucking down on Fell’s hand, begging for more. A hard thrust has Crowley seeing stars – Fell does it again, and again, and _again._ Crowley’s so hard that he’s aching, his cock leaking and wet. “Fell, I _swear_ if you don’t fuck me right now –”

Fell laughs. “You aren’t ready for me yet, love.”

The shudder that goes over Crowley at Fell’s words is indescribable, combined with the sensation of a third finger pushing into him, spreading him wide. “Fell,” he says, nearly breathless, “I’m going to –”

“Oh, but you won’t,” Fell says, and suddenly there are fingers circling the base of Crowley’s cock, tightening, holding his orgasm at bay. “Not until I say so.”

Crowley whines in protest, scrabbling helplessly at the leather seats for purchase, rocking against Aziraphale’s fingers buried in him. “ _Please –_ ”

“Well, since you asked so prettily,” Fell says, a mischievous smile quirking his lips. There’s a tearing sound as he rips open a condom package with his teeth, unrolling it over his cock with one hand. _Christ,_ he’s huge – Crowley hadn’t even noticed when he’d unbuttoned his trousers. For a moment, he regrets not having had the chance to have Fell in his mouth. He wants to know how it would feel to have his lips stretched open around his length, sucking the velvet hardness of him down as he leaked bitter on Crowley’s tongue.

 _Fuck._ Fell lines himself up against Crowley, the head of his cock nudging against Crowley’s entrance. Fell was right, he isn’t ready, this is going to _hurt –_

The breath is punched right out of Crowley when Fell’s cock breaches him, the sharp burn giving way to a heady pleasure as Fell sinks deeper into Crowley.

Bright lights illuminate the interior of the Bentley for a moment as a car drives past, and Crowley freezes, shocked at the thought that at any moment, someone might come upon them and see Crowley being debauched in the backseat of his own car by a police officer. The very thought makes him clench hard, and he rocks his hips, bearing down on Fell and taking in a few more inches. He gasps at the sheer size of Fell’s cock inside him – for a moment, he’s legitimately concerned he might not be able to take the rest of him, but Fell groans and thrusts into him, forcing Crowley to take the rest of his cock.

For a moment, Crowley can’t move, can’t breathe, feeling as though he’s been skewered, Fell’s cock splitting him in two. But Fell is making soft shushing noises, gently caressing his thighs, pressing kisses against his chest, coaxing him to relax. The gentle brush of Fell’s fingertips against his nipple through his dress is what does the trick – the breath rushes out through his parted lips as he swears under his breath, suddenly wanting more, his hips jerking against Fell.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Crowley says, his voice thready with need. “More, please, _more –”_

“Greedy minx,” Fell growls. He pins Crowley’s wrists above his head with one hand, and Crowley finds that he can’t move his arms at all. A delicious thrill runs up his spine as the thought of being completely at Fell’s mercy.

Fell withdraws, slowly enough that Crowley can feel every inch of his length dragging through him – and then without warning, he thrusts back in, burying himself in Crowley. He cries out as Fell does it again, before his moans are cut off by Fell’s lips on his, his tongue exploring every inch of Crowley’s mouth. Fell bottoms out, and he cups Crowley’s face with one hand, forcing Crowley’s chin up to look him in the eye.

“Crowley,” Fell says. “You like this.” It’s not a question.

“I do.” Crowley bites back a groan as he rolls his hips brazenly against Fell, who readjusts himself before he begins moving. Slow, merciless thrusts into Crowley, every stroke making him see stars. Each movement of his hips has Crowley’s toes curling – he’s unable to move, compelled to submit to Fell and his steady, unrelenting pace.

“Faster,” Crowley whispers, wrapping his legs around Fell’s waist – the change in angle makes both of them gasp. “ _Oh, fuck._ Please, please –”

Fell’s lips curve into a smirk, but he picks up the pace until Crowley is reduced to a keening mess under his weight, head thrown back in ecstasy. With his hands pinned above his head like this by Fell’s grip, he can’t reach down and bring himself off, but he’s so close, _oh,_ he’s so close –

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Fell says, every cant of his hips knocking the breath right out of Crowley. “You wanton thing, you wanted me the moment you saw me. I think you can come without a hand on you, nothing but my cock in you, just like this.”

The words send a wave of searing heat through Crowley’s body, and he trembles with the force of Fell’s thrusts. “Yes,” he says breathlessly, “yes, yes, I wanted you, _ah –”_

“Show me you can come like this,” Fell growls, his hips moving harder, faster, Crowley writhing helplessly as he’s fucked ruthlessly, unable to spare even a single thought for the leather upholstery of his beloved car. He’s so deliciously full that every stroke presses hard against his prostate, and the prickling burn of Fell’s cock stretching him every time he bottoms out only intensifies the pleasure that’s building higher and higher.

“I can’t,” Crowley gasps out, desperate to come, so close to the edge – Fell’s hand on his cock would do it, Crowley thinks deliriously, just a few pulls and he would fall right off the precipice. “Please, touch me, _please_ –”

“You _can,_ ” Fell says, his teeth on Crowley’s collarbone, marking him with bruises. “Look at you, so beautiful, so tight around my cock. Come for me, darling, you’ve been so good, taking all of me like this –”

And suddenly every inch of Crowley is set alight with pleasure so bright and intense that it’s blinding, white-hot and blazing through him. His cock twitches as he spills untouched onto his black skirt, and he cries out so loudly that Fell has to cover his mouth with a broad palm, muffling the sounds of his ecstasy. But Fell doesn’t stop – he lowers himself and pounds into Crowley’s arse hard, taking his pleasure from Crowley. His every nerve is singing, the waves of his orgasm strung out by every drag of Fell’s cock until he’s oversensitive and shivering with every thrust. Finally, Fell buries himself deep in him, groaning against Crowley’s neck, hips stuttering as he comes.

“Fuck,” Crowley murmurs, blinking up at the Bentley’s interior. Another car speeds by, the light from the headlamps spilling over them, but Crowley can’t bring himself to move, not when Fell is so delightfully warm and heavy on top of him, his cock still buried in Crowley.

“Quite right,” Fell says, chuckling. He eases himself out of Crowley, who feels suddenly bereft – that was _wonderful,_ far better than he could have ever hoped for tonight. He catches Fell’s hand and presses it against his chest, mirroring how their entire encounter had begun, only now it’s softer, more intimate somehow.

“That… that was, erm. I liked that.”

Fell laughs, and his hand travels up Crowley’s neck, cupping his face softly. “So did I, darling. Although I’m sorry to have ruined your makeup.” He brushes a thumb across the prominent edge of Crowley’s cheekbone. “But you’re still very beautiful.”

“That’d be the afterglow,” Crowley says, smirking, but his heart stutters a little at the clear sincerity in Fell’s voice, the gentleness of his touch after the way he had fucked Crowley so roughly. He reaches up and touches Fell’s lips, tracing over the red smear. “You’d look quite attractive wearing this shade of lipstick, I think.”

“Why, thank you.” Fell smiles at him. “And by the way, I beg to differ. I was already quite taken with you the moment you rolled down the window.”

“Bet you say that to all the lawbreakers, _officer,_ ” Crowley says with a wink.

“I’ve never said it before, as a matter of fact,” Fell says thoughtfully, smoothing a lock of hair away from Crowley's forehead. “I suppose we’ve rather gone about this in the wrong order, but I would very much like to see you again. Perhaps we could… I don’t know. Go for a picnic. Dine at the Ritz.”

Crowley laughs, giddiness suddenly bubbling through him. “I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.”

Fell purses his lips. “You go _too fast_ –”

“Got your attention that way, though, didn’t I?” Crowley can’t hold back the smile on his face as Fell helps him up so that he’s more or less upright in the backseat, large hands carefully rearranging his skirt over his thighs.

There’s a sigh that’s half-exasperated, half-fond as Fell presses his lips to Crowley’s hair. “Perhaps next time, you could choose a less dangerous way of doing so. I don’t suppose it would do any good for me to tell you not to do it again?”

“Not in the slightest,” Crowley informs him gleefully. He reaches for his purse in the front seat and successfully digs out a calling card. He presses his lips to the back of the card, leaving a faint imprint of red lipstick on it – but for all his bravado, he’s unexpectedly nervous as he hands it to Fell, suddenly too shy to look him in the eye. “Will… will you call me?”

“Oh, darling,” Fell sighs, and he bends down to kiss Crowley, so sweetly that it takes his breath away. “The very moment my shift ends, if you like. It’s going to be a rather long night for me, I’m afraid.”

“No, no, s’fine,” Crowley says quickly, tilting his face up to be kissed again, and Fell smiles and obliges him. “I can wait.”

**Author's Note:**

> Before you go, PLEASE look at this glorious [art by nothistoryart](https://twitter.com/nothistoryart/status/1354935601670328331) over on Twitter, it's absolutely everything I imagined this scene to be <3 
> 
> EDIT: And also [these two](https://lookitsstevie.tumblr.com/post/644091630448689152/a-scene-from-contraststudies-gorgeous-fic-on#notes) [amazing illustrations](https://lookitsstevie.tumblr.com/post/644098151209385984/one-more-scene-from-contraststudies-on-the#notes) that lookitsstevie drew, oh my god please feast your eyes on these masterpieces! (These ones are SFW!)
> 
> Come find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/contraststudies) and [Tumblr](https://contraststudies.tumblr.com/)!


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